My Grief Journey One Year Milestone

Roku, foster #66 (and #12 since Boo died)

In the days leading up to saying goodbye to BooBoo, a sweet friend who lives far away asked what I needed and I half joked “more tissues.” About an hour later, DoorDash arrived to deliver 15 boxes of tissues, seen in the picture above. It made me laugh at time I was not laughing much and it probably really confused the DoorDash guy.  This week marks one year that Boo left us, and there have been a lot of tears and a lot of changes in the last twelve months. And, I still have 3 unopened boxes from the stash my friend sent, so that’s about 1 box a month if you’re doing the math!

It’s memories like this that stick with me a year later. It’s the people who showed up for us in our deep grief, the meals we were given, the cards, the flowers, the donations made in Boo’s honor and all the personalized gifts, like our neighbor making us a beautiful quilt and a friend commissioning a custom flower vase and more. I will never forget the messages from clients sharing their memories of Boo or just telling me how happy they were she came into my life and therefore to training and were able to help them with their dogs. And the handful of people who continue to check in, who comment on my memories when I post them or my weekly video reels on IG – these are all the things I remember and that touch me deeply. And sadly, the people who didn’t show up also stick with me but I try to not let that overshadow all the wonderful support we received. Grief is a constant tug of war of figuring out how to move on without your beloved and trying to hold onto the past. And now, a year into this journey, I know the support we received, and continue to receive, has helped propel us forward.

It boggles my mind how it’s been a year when many days it feels like it’s just a few weeks or months ago. The change of seasons reminds me she’s no longer here and as we’ve cycled through a dozen fosters since she passed, doing activities with them that we previously did with her is also a reminder she’s gone. Life is just…different. And I’m different in many ways. Some good, and some not so good, if I’m being completely honest.

BooBoo, my heart, my love, my muse, if nothing else, I’m so incredibly thankful that you were mine to lose.

Here are my grief takeaways of what I’ve learned in the last year:

1. Helping others helps. My passion for helping others navigate their grief and for being an understanding ear and support has grown exponentially. My sensitivity to others’ losses and understanding of everyone processing grief differently is greater. My doula work has been so much more meaningful since losing Boo. Companioning others through their loss, helping them navigate big feelings and helping support them is very healing and cathartic for me. And I love that the legacy of BooBoo and Barbo continue through my work. It keeps them alive in a way.
2. I’m more guarded with my time, energy and emotional vulnerability. Not everyone understands or is comfortable with grief and loss. Some people become paralyzed and don’t know how to cope with others being sad. I’ve become more guarded with my emotions and who I share them with, who I trust and who I share my time with, likely as a result of being disappointed in people I expected to support us that didn’t. Loss reminds you that time is the most valuable resource there is because we can never get more of it. Who you share your time with, and how you spend your time becomes more relevant in grief and is a lesson I’ve carried with me since losing Boo. Loss makes you re-evaluate your priorities. 
3. Find a community or support. Grief feels lonely. It’s so important to have a community or at the very least, one person, who you can really talk to and confide in who will support you unconditionally and understand. I have regularly attended the Dakin Humane Society support group during my grief journey. It’s free and I find it incredibly helpful to connect with others having a similar experience, at various points in their grief timelines. I offer my one-on-one doula services here. And I highly recommend my own grief counselor, Angela, who was instrumental in helping me navigate my grief. Even as a doula myself, I needed extra support and there is no shame in getting help. You may find community in listening to podcasts or reading/listening to books. I have a lot of resources and ideas on my resource page.
4. Fostering helps. Losing Boo also rekindled our love of fostering, as I’ve talked about here before. We give our dogs amazing lives and we can’t adopt them all, but we can give a foster a great life, and a break from the shelter, even just for a short time. Research shows that even a single overnight helps lower cortisol stress levels in shelter dogs, so even short-term fostering is a big help and allows the shelter to get an idea of what the dog is like in a real home.
5. Memorializing and honoring helps. Looking at pictures or videos can be painful. I know many people who just can’t do it. But for me, it forced me to remember the amazing life we shared. Every week I put together a little Insta Reel and I can briefly relive a wonderful moment in time. Sure, I cry, but it’s more a reminder that life together was beautiful. And, it gives me a chance to share that with other people to keep Boo alive in sharing. I also wear my cremation ring that I had made every day so a little piece of her (and Barbo) are with me. Writing a letter to Boo and working on our memoir of life together has also helped me, though I realize not everyone is a writer. I have a growing playlist of songs that remind me of her or that have special meaning or that just are good grief songs. I have nearly 100 songs on it now, most recently adding Dolly Parton’s song for her husband, If You Hadn’t Been There. Find something that resonates with you to help you remember, honor, process and grieve.
6. Feel your feelings. I cannot emphasize this enough. You cannot hide from, bury or distract yourself long-term from grief and feelings. You might be able to try to keep yourself busy and distracted and work a lot to avoid dealing with hard feelings, but eventually they will bubble up, usually at the most inopportune times or when you’re least expecting it, like standing in line at the pharmacy. Feel your feelings. Cry. Throw things. Scream. Be sad. Be angry. Be confused. Feel guilty. And then remember all the love and all the things you did right, and bask in those memories. This is all part of processing grief.
7. Take time. Be gentle with yourself and don’t put a timeline (or let anyone else) on your grief. When Boo died I mostly stopped working (and functioning) for many months. There were feelings of overwhelming sadness but also regret, guilt, confusion, disbelief, anger, frustration, rage, denial, depression and more. My body changed. I gained weight, my memory still isn’t what it used to be and I get tired much more easily.
8. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself. 4661 days was how long I had with BooBoo. No matter how long we have, it will never be enough. But replaying decisions, questioning yourself or the vet care you got, beating yourself up for the shoulds, woulds and coulds of things won’t change anything, can’t bring your beloved back and will only hamper your healing process. If anything you can use this as a learning experience for future animals you may care for and love but chances are if you’re second guessing yourself, you gave your animal the best care possible. People who don’t care don’t second guess. We make decisions with the information we have in the moment and the guidance we’re being given by professionals and that’s all we can do.
9. Give yourself permission to be happy again. This was hard for me, and I think I’m still working on this one. It’s been a challenge to allow myself permission to be happy or to enjoy activities without Boo or sometimes harder, with a different dog. But over time I’ve recognized that joy and sadness can co-exist and that grief can co-exist with new love and new experiences. It’s easy to get stuck thinking you need to be miserable and unhappy when you’re grieving or that if you’re not, that you are somehow disgracing your loved one. I didn’t want to go for walks without Boo. I didn’t want to go to places we had taken her because it reminded me she was gone. I didn’t want to get a new dog because I was afraid it meant I had fully “moved on” or forgotten BooBoo. My grief counselor wisely told me “Moving forward can feel like we are abandoning that bond but in truth, we carry that relationship (and the grief) with us for the rest of our lives.” And I think that is exactly right. Loving another animal doesn’t reduce the amount of love I have for Boo. And, I think she’d want us to give another dog a chance at the same amazing life she had. And that’s what we hope to do for Gertie

Thanks for reading, and sticking with me through this year of losing Boo. Remember, as part of my doula services, I’ve got these resources:

• Grief resources, which I update regularly
• Advance Care Directive worksheet (free download)
• Helping kids navigate grief
• Benefits of At Home Euthanasia with a directory of local vets by different regions.
• When To Get Another Dog After Loss

If you’ve missed my previous grief posts:

• first post about Boo passing
• 2 month update
• 4 month update
• 6 month update
• 8 month update
• 10 month update
• watch this memorial video of Life of Boo, with music composed by my husband, John.
• Video of BooBoo crossing the rainbow bridge (Lake Lure Rainbow Bridge, destroyed in Hurricane Helene floods)

If you are preparing for the loss of your own dog, remember I offer my doula services here. And of course I’m here for any of your training needs or you can book my special consult if you’re considering behavioral euthanasia.

Give your pups some extra treats from me and BooBoo, for free…don’t make them work for it, in honor of her one-year passing. If you record it, please share it with me! Free Treats In Honor Of BooBoo!

Thanks for still being here.