Ten months ago I said goodbye to my sweet BooBoo. It boggles my mind how it’s been that long when some days it feels like it’s just a few weeks ago. Thank you to those who keep reading. My hope is that I continue to share my grief journey so others know they’re not alone and that their grief is completely normal.
Lexi, Christmas 2024, Foster #63
I made it through the holidays. We had a Christmas foster, Lexi, foster #63 for us. She was fun, sweet, friendly and good with dogs, but she just wasn’t the right dog for us. She spent a lovely 3 weeks with us, and Christmas was better for all of us because of it. We wrapped all sorts of presents, like we normally would for our own dogs and Lexi loved tearing into them and then enjoying all the goodies. She was a “ball is life” dog, especially if the ball squeaked. Nothing was better to her.
The New Year rolled in, and that was harder than I expected. Now I have to say that BooBoo died “last year” and for some reason that just feels heavier than I expected it would.
As I mentioned in my last grief update, this is now the longest we’ve ever gone in our adult lives without our own dog. When our dog Bandit passed away (he was our first as adults), it was nearly 7 months before we adopted Barbo.
What’s helping and what’s not?
I continue to write about Boo, documenting our life together, writing a memoir, of sorts, where I’m remembering anecdotes and sweet stories of our beautiful life together and that is helping tremendously. I don’t know what, if anything, will come of it but it’s nice to revisit these stories and write them down so I don’t forget anything. One of my biggest fears is forgetting her as time passes. I’ve never been much of a diary keeper or journaler so this is a departure for me, but it’s been very helpful and something I recommend to people who are grieving.
And fostering is helping, though admittedly it’s gotten a bit harder to say goodbye to some of our recent fosters. We’ve now had 11 since Boo died and the last couple, GG and Lexi, were hard to let go. It feels good, in a sense, that I’m getting a little attached and that I can feel my heart softening a bit to the idea of a new dog, because early on in my grief journey, I thought I’d never consider it again.
Clementine, foster #64 in the snow
GG, foster #62, got adopted and has an amazing family that “loves her and her anxiety,” so I’m very happy that we were able to let others see what a wonderful dog she is. That’s the whole goal of fostering.
Clementine was foster #64 for us, some sort of boxer mix. She was sweet and very easy in the house. She had some leash barrier frustration but that was workable. She just wasn’t the one. I said to a friend “she’s a nice dog, but she’s not our dog.” And that’s what I’ve been finding a lot. I think I’ve moved on from “I can never do this again” to “when the right one comes along, I’m open to considering it.”
Gertie, foster #65
And Gertie is our 11th foster since Boo died, our 65th total. She was found as a stray, clearly had puppies, is heartworm positive and looks like she might also have a leg injury. And yet, is one of the sweetest dogs I’ve ever met. Her greatest joys are a reminder to take in the small things in life. She loves rolling in the grass, sunbathing, snuggling and eating. And I don’t blame her! Those are some of my favorite things too!
I look at her gentle face, as she wags her whole body looking for affection and attention, and it makes me realize that in spite of all her pain, neglect and being failed by others, there’s still resilience and seeking happiness. These are noble goals. And there’s a message in there – no holding grudges, no replaying tragic parts of your life, no living in the past – just moving forward and trying to find or create happiness and enjoying the small pleasures of life.
I re-listened to this episode of It’s OK That You’re Not OK. In the episode the host recounts her parents losing their cats and swearing off not getting any more cats. “We’re not doing it again” her parents said and the host, just thinking “they’re robbing themselves of so much joy by absolutely deciding they’re never they’re never risking this amount of pain again. They’re just they’re holding themselves back from so much joy. The risk of opening your heart to love that much again and know that you have to say goodbye before you’re ready, right, no matter how long it’s been, it’s always before you’re ready, always right, And that decision to expand love, expand your heart, and include more beings human or otherwise in that net, that’s a decision that nobody else can make for you.”
No matter how long we have, it will never be enough. 4661 days with BooBoo was never enough. But I know that 10,000 days wouldn’t have been enough either. But the time you share and the joy it brings you in that time, hopefully outweighs the sad last days or weeks or months.
It reminded me of this quote, which has been resonating with me lately, reminding me that as painful as this loss is, not allowing my heart to be open, not considering doing this all over again means I miss the possibility of loving again. For some people, maybe that is fine. But for me, I think I am incomplete without loving a dog. I am not my best person. But until that happens, we continue to foster and I love that.
“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” — Hilary Stanton Zunin
The world, the news and everything that is going on in the world is not helping. The constant bombardment of loss, death, sadness, turmoil and fear in the world is too much on most days. It makes me really sad to the point that I’ve started limiting my media consumption. I know all of this is not something I can control but the lack of control exacerbates my grief, and reminds me that Boo, who was my stabilizing force, especially in times of upheaval, is gone. I find her absence is more profound when things around me are upsetting. And that’s been a lot lately with world and political events.
Remembering all the dogs who have come and gone in my life, whether fosters, friends, clients or even those I’ve never met and have only seen online, makes me realize just how lucky we are to share our lives with dogs. They endure so much from humans and the majority of them remain sweet, loving, trusting creatures in spite of all the things humans do. Memories of these dogs, whether they make me smile, laugh or feel deep pangs of sadness, remind me that I feel those things because I miss them fiercely. But it’s also a reminder that we are the lucky ones that we got to share a tiny bit of our life with them and that, my friends, is truly a gift.
I continue to participate in the Dakin Humane Society support group each month. It’s free and I find it incredibly helpful to connect with others having a similar experience, at various points in their grief timelines. Some people attending are one or two years into their journey and others are days into it, and everything in between. Grief can feel so very lonely so it’s helpful to have a place to have a community. People join from all over the world!
I’ve also been on a few more podcasts since my last update, talking about a variety of topics, but in all of them, of course BooBoo comes up. Have a listen to them here if you missed them:
- Behavior Buzzzzzz with Drs. Amy Pike DACVB and Amy Learn DAVCB
- The Resilient Animal with Annie Petersen Ed.D
And, my doula work has been helping. Companioning others through their loss, helping them navigate big feelings and helping support them is very healing and cathartic for me. Maybe it’s being able to provide an understanding, empathic ear and feeling like my losses are, in a way, helping? I haven’t fully processed it all, but my work is helping me heal. And that feels good. The legacy of BooBoo and Barbo continue through that work.
Thanks for reading, if you’ve gotten this far. Remember, as part of my doula services, I’ve got this resource page, which I update regularly. I also have my free Advance Care Directive worksheet available for download and this post about helping kids navigate grief. And I did a post on the benefits of At Home Euthanasia with a directory of local vets by different regions. If you’ve missed my previous grief posts:
- first post about Boo passing
- 2 month update
- 4 month update
- 6 month update
- 8 month update
- watch this memorial video of Life of Boo, with music composed by my husband, John.
- Video of BooBoo crossing the rainbow bridge (Lake Lure Rainbow Bridge, destroyed in Hurricane Helene floods)
If you are preparing for the loss of your own dog, remember I offer my doula services here. And of course I’m here for any of your training needs or you can book my special consult if you’re considering behavioral euthanasia.
Give your pups some extra treats from me and BooBoo, for free…don’t make them work for it, in honor of her ten month passing. If you record it, please share it with me! Free Treats In Honor Of BooBoo!
And thanks for still being here.
