I wasn’t sure I was going to keep up with these grief post updates but last week was BooBoo‘s birthday and the 18-month marking of her passing. And to my surprise, the last few months have been hard, much harder than I would have expected a year and a half into this journey. Trying to reflect on and process these emotions made me realize how intertwined other life challenges and changes are with my grief. When things get tough in other areas of my life, my grief rears up, likely because for 13 years I had Boo to support and help me through those difficult times.
It’s still a challenge to allow myself permission to be happy or to enjoy activities without Boo or sometimes it’s harder to enjoy them with Gertie or a different dog. As much as I know rationally that loving another animal doesn’t reduce the amount of love I have for Boo, it’s still hard sometimes to do things without her and I still wish she were here.
Grief can feel incredibly lonely and unfathomably heavy at times, even a year and a half into it. I’ve struggled with overwhelming sadness about Boo and a lot of other things recently and that makes the loneliness and missing her even worse. I don’t want to make other people sad, or dump my problems on them, so I pull away and isolate, and sleep. It creates a vicious cycle of being lonely, isolating, being more lonely then guilt from isolating and not wanting to reach out, creating more loneliness and then overwhelm from social activities when I finally do let myself be around people, causing more tiredness and more sleep. This is my pattern when I’m depressed and I recognize it clearly from all the way back when I was a child.
But, not everyone understands or is comfortable with grief and loss. And 18 months into the loss of a dog and most people will not understand that I’m not “over it” so finding support and understanding is hard. And especially because we adopted Gertie, I feel like everyone expects me to be “fine” now because we have a new dog. On National Dog Day in August, I was having a particularly rough time and made this image, editing in Gertie walking on the beach alongside Barbo and Boo. A little cheesy maybe, but it’s what I needed to do at the time.
And yes, we talk about them all the time. Poor Gertie has big paws to fill. I’ve actually been making a list of things that I’m calling the Not Boo list…things that Gertie is better at than Boo was…things that make her “Not Boo” inspired by this Risk! story and discussion I was part of. It’s a pretty short list right now but I am consciously trying to add to it and recognize Gertie as her own dog and give us a fair shot at relationship building. I wrote a bit about this in my When To Get Another Dog After The Loss Of Your Soul Dog. It’s unfair to compare your new dog to your old one. And believe me, this is something I struggle with and know clients struggle with. It’s not easy not to compare. I constantly have guilt that Gertie is living in the shadow of Boo, and even to a certain degree Barbo too. The thing is, she embodies traits of both of them, which was actually part of what I found so endearing about her when we first decided to adopt her. Sigh…anyway, it’s a struggle still.
I’m still working on my Letter to Boo and writing our memoir and as helpful as those are, it’s also been a difficult reminder of how life has changed, and not all in good ways. Chronicling our life together for 13 years, revisiting every vacation, reliving every milestone and all the wonderful times we had together is incredibly bittersweet. Such a big part of me wishes I could just turn the clock back to those times. And thinking this then makes me feel even more guilty about not having the same bond, closeness and relationship with Gertie. I feel like she’s missing out, and I don’t know how to fix that. Maybe just time. She’s only been with us for 8 months. She’s not Boo and even though I love her, it’s not the same.
But, I am thrilled to announce though that last month Gertie and I were certified as a Bright and Beautiful therapy dog team, just like Boo and I were, so we’ll be continuing the work that I did with Boo, with Gertie, mostly visiting assisted living and rehab centers.
We’ve also continued to foster since my last update. We’re now up to 72 fosters with the highlight being, Boo’s sister’s family adopted one of our fosters this summer. Skittles, now Penny, was foster #71 and when Sassy’s family came to visit us this summer, they fell in love and adopted her! So while we won’t have genetic siblings like we did with Boo and Sassy, it’s still a nice connection to have and one I expect we will share for many years to come.
Thanks for reading, and sticking with me through this year of losing Boo. Remember, as part of my doula and pet loss grief companion services, I’ve got these resources:
- Grief resources, which I update regularly
- Advance Care Directive worksheet (free download)
- Helping kids navigate grief
- Benefits of At Home Euthanasia with a directory of local vets by different regions.
- When To Get Another Dog After Loss
- Self Care After A Loss
If you’ve missed my previous grief posts:
- first post about Boo passing
- 2 month update
- 4 month update
- 6 month update
- 8 month update
- 10 month update
- 12 month update
- Shifting from Grief to Gratitude
- watch this memorial video of Life of Boo, with music composed by my husband, John.
- Video of BooBoo crossing the rainbow bridge (Lake Lure Rainbow Bridge, destroyed in Hurricane Helene floods)
If you are preparing for the loss of your own dog, remember I offer my doula and pet loss grief companion services here. And of course I’m here for any of your training needs or you can book my special consult if you’re considering behavioral euthanasia.
Give your pups some extra treats from me and BooBoo, for free…don’t make them work for it, in honor of her. If you record it, please share it with me! Free Treats In Honor Of BooBoo!
If you would like to support my efforts and make a contribution to allow me to continue to create free resources like my blog and all of my other free resources, you can Buy Me A Coffee!
Thanks for being here!
