What is a death doula, or an end-of-life doula for pets? What do you do? These are common questions I get.
Let’s start at the beginning. Most people don’t know what doulas are, or if they do, it’s in relation to birth doulas. The Greek word doula translates to female helper or caregiver, though I know of several male doulas, many of which are also euthanasia veterinarians.
An end of life, or death doula, is someone provides non-medical, emotional support and comfort for those preparing for or experiencing end of life. And assisting those who love the one who is dying. In the scope of animal death doula work, the guardian is my primary focus and helping support them and advocate for their beloved animal.
Doulas can provide a broad scope of services – it really depends on what the client needs but we never provide medical advice. Doula work can span many areas, including sitting vigil, or being present for the euthanasia but my focus for doula work is companioning through anticipatory grief (that period before your beloved animal dies but when you know it’s coming), proactive planning and helping clients navigate stigmatized losses like behavioral euthanasia, rehoming or surrendering, where it can be hard to find non-judgmental support, especially in the age of social media.
So, what does a companion animal end of life doula do? It can be a lot of things but here’s a summary of common services:
- Supports you with unwavering emotional reassurance from someone who understands
- Helps navigate anticipatory grief
- Objectively reviews quality of life resources
- Helps explore options for palliative or hospice care
- Complements the palliative/hospice care provided by veterinarians
- Navigates euthanasia options and preparation with you and your veterinarian
- Assists with celebration of life tributes – before and/or after your pet passes
- Helps plan an end-of-life experience list for you and your animal
- Researches burial and/or cremation options
- Discusses ideas for physical memorials, vigils and/or tributes
- Coordinate end-of-life photoshoot
- Provides emotional support in a safe, non-judgmental space with someone fully present throughout your bereavement process
- Ensures a support network is in place and identifies gaps or the need for additional resources
I can provide education, resources, guidance, emotional and social care, logistical and practical assistance and anything else the client thinks they need help with, as long as it doesn’t fall into the vet or mental health care realm. I also help people advocate for their animal, or if they are unable to, I can be an authorized go-between for communicating with them and their vet and helping with logistic plans like coordinating the euthanasia appointment, ordering supplies and planning last days events, vigils, memorials or tributes. Some doulas are also spiritual advisors or chaplains but I am not.
I can also help to coordinate and end-of-life photoshoot. There’s a great organization called The Tilly Project which lists photographers that do these types of sessions, many for free or very discounted rates. I really encourage people to find a photographer. Some people may be hesitant to photograph these last days or moments because they don’t want these last pictures to be in these sad moment but personally, I’m so glad we did sessions with both BooBoo and Mr. Barbo. I have several of the images on canvases around our house, mixed in with pictures from all the other years of memories together and it’s a beautiful reminder of the incredible life we shared.
A death doula can help families with children find ways to discuss death with their child and include their child, in an age-appropriate way, in the memorial, vigil or even the euthanasia. I have a whole post on children and grief here.
Companion animals are family and thinking about or dealing with their loss is often a topic that just isn’t talked about. As a society, we tend not honor pet loss with the same gravity as losing a human. Or we do for a very short time, maybe a matter of weeks, and then we expect the person to just “get over it.”
But for many of us, we share a deeper bond with them than many humans. We see them more than we see most of our family or friends. We care for and provide every need they have, without speaking the same language. We touch them every day. This kind of bond rivals the parent/infant relationship in its closeness. You can read the chronicling of my own grief journey about losing BooBoo here.
When a beloved companion animal is nearing end-of-life, the anxiety, stress and the demands of caregiving can easily become overwhelming, resulting in guilt, depression, fear, self-denial and emotional burnout. A doula can help you navigate all that and be a safe place and a sounding board for you to talk about your beloved and honor them the way you really want to. I can support and guide you through the grief process, from planning, memorializing, honoring and grieving. Whether your loss results from normal aging, an unexpected medical condition, an accident, behavioral euthanasia or any other reason. I can help support you through this. I understand what you’re going through.
“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.”
― Anatole France
I maintain a Grief Resources List here and update it regularly, which includes ideas for memorialization, books I’ve found helpful or that I commonly recommend, podcasts, social media accounts, pet loss counselors and support groups, resources for helping kids and other animals cope with loss and grief and a regional directory of at home euthanasia vets, in addition to national companies.
My ultimate goal as a doula is to support people throughout this difficult and inevitable journey, with a priority in honoring and memorializing the everlasting bond between you and your beloved companion. If you need support, please schedule a session with me here. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor or veterinarian and can only provide non-medical support.
Wishing you peace during this difficult journey.