My Grief Journey Six Months In

 

Six months ago I kissed my sweet BooBoo goodbye for the last time. Last week was her birthday. She would have been 16 and the day after that milestone was the 6 month anniversary of her passing. As I promised in my last grief update, I want to continue to share some challenges in grieving so others know they’re not alone and that grief is completely normal.

I am six months into my grief and everyone tells you “time will help” but for me, time has become the enemy, in a way. The longer Boo is gone, the more difficult it is. I think in the early months, I was just numb and stunned from the loss, but the more time that passes, the more it sinks in that she is truly gone.

This quote from Grief to Glorious Unfolding struck home for me. 

As the initial shock wears off, grief intensifies, which is usually when everyone thinks you should have had enough time to “process it.”

Months 4 and 5 of grief have been really hard, especially moving into fall. Beth Bigler had a wonderful post on why seasonal change is so hard. Fall is my favorite time of year and I can’t think about autumn without thinking about BooBoo and Barbo. John and I celebrated our wedding anniversary in September, which is forever entwined with memories of our dogs. Our very small wedding was us, 5 people and our 2 dogs, hiking up a mountain in Vermont.

Between our anniversary, Boo’s birthday and this 6-month anniversary, it’s been especially difficult. It reminds me of when I talk to clients about Trigger Stacking in dogs, when they encounter multiple stress triggers and how they become less able to bounce back. I have been experiencing something like grief trigger stacking and it’s wearing me down.

What’s helping?

I continue to write about Boo and in my running Letter To Boo, which has become journal of sorts, filled with how I’m feeling on certain days, days I’m struggling and when there’s things I would love to tell her.

I ordered a lovely felted heart, made from Boo’s fur. It arrived on her 5th month anniversary and the Etsy seller was so wonderful. You ship your dog’s fur to her and she makes these adorable heart. I can touch it and feel her fur, which is one of the things I’ve missed so much. And this heart is different than the felted mini that I ordered, (also shown in this picture) because that wasn’t made from her fur. The mini sits about 5″ tall and I have her on my desk, so she can sit on my desk so when I’m working so Boo is still with me. Here is a short little video of it so you can see how beautiful she is.

I received my stunning cremation ring from Sugarberry Memorials (picture to right and at top of post). I cannot say enough good things about Kayce. She’s not only a talented jeweler, but is wonderful with updates and  communication. My ring is made using both Boo’s ashes and Mr. Barbo’s ashes, alternating the stones. Boo is the clear stones and Barbo is the orange. Just like my ring that I had made after Bandit died, this ring will be one of my most treasured possessions.

Listening to audiobooks and podcasts, hearing others’ stories and learning about grief and how it affects your whole body has been helpful. It helps so I don’t feel like there’s something wrong with me or that I’m “not doing grief right.” As it turns out, everything I’m experiencing is completely normal, and that’s been comforting in a sense. I recorded an episode of Grey Muzzle Diaries, talking about BooBoo and Barbo, and even our dog before that, Bandit, on the podcast, which dropped today! Lindsay’s podcast is a great resource for people with senior dogs, dealing with anticipatory grief or who are “senior-curious” about what to maybe expect as your dog ages. Have a listen here or on your favorite podcast service. Talking about her is so healing. I’ll also be on an upcoming episode of The Pet Loss Companion in November.

I’m curating a playlist of songs, some grief songs, some I just like the messages. I started this early after her death, and it’s grown to over 80 songs now. Some songs have special meaning, like Runaway (Bon Jovi)…since Boo was a runaway, in NJ no less!, before we officially got her. I continue to take comfort in pictures and videos, making an IG reel each week honoring another week gone. I usually cry a lot putting it together but I love seeing her smiling face looking at me.

And I’ve taken solace in seeing what I’ve coined, “BooBoo’s star.” The first time I saw it was 6 weeks to the day of her passing. I woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and out the bathroom window, I noticed one very bright, pulsing, twinkling star, all alone in the night sky. I grabbed my phone so I could use my Star Chart app to identify it. My tired, weary eyes couldn’t make it out, so I took a screenshot. In the morning, I saw it was Arcturus. When I looked it up it said “Arcturus is the brightest star in the northern constellation of Boötes (abbreviation: Boo).” And since then, many nights, when Boo is on my mind, or I’ve had a particularly hard day, I notice “her star.” Often it’s either the only one I can see or, if there are others, she’s the brightest of them all. I find so much comfort in seeing it. And seeing it with the Northern Lights the other night was breathtaking.

After the recent floods in Western NC from Hurricane Helene, I shared my video of BooBoo crossing the rainbow bridge that was taken at Lake Lure Flowering Bridge. We visited in May 2023, after Barbo passed and it was part of our last big trip with Boo. We hiked over 27 miles, and she was 14-1/2 at the time! Sadly the bridge and the surrounding area was completely lost in the floods. But BooBoo’s video went sort of viral, having over three-quarters of a million views, as she so reverently walked over the bridge, sniffing all the collars and memorial tribute items left in honor of other animals passed on. I love that even in her death she is sharing this memory with everyone else. I hope they will be able to rebuild the bridge at some point, but the area is devastated, so it will take a while.

I’ve been careful about managing my time better. Because grief affects your brain, it takes me longer to complete tasks so now I’ve blocked out time on my work schedule to ensure I’ve got enough time between sessions to give myself a break and to make sure I have enough time to do all the tasks I need to do. I have blocked out times and days in my calendar when I know to expect I will be sad or have rough days, like last week. And I nap some days, when I feel I need to. Grief also affects your sleeping, so there are some nights that I just don’t get enough and need a nap.

Fostering Update

John and I have had six fosters since Boo’s passing. When Barbo and BooBoo were both alive, we did a lot of fostering, over 50 dogs and puppies, many of which were fearful. It was early in my dog training career and we were volunteering with some NJ based rescues, including the one that both Barbo and Boo came from. I was still a student at The Academy For Dog Trainers so having lots of “green,” untrained dogs around was helpful for me to practice my basic training skills. But many of these dogs were also fearful and since John and I don’t have kids, and both work from home, we were sort of a perfect home for these fearful pups to decompress. Barbo loved having playmates, since Boo wasn’t a big player and Boo loved having pups to snuggle with. She was an excellent foster mom.

We stopped fostering as our dogs got older and wanted to ensure we were protecting our seniors. Barbo in particular, got a little more cranky with young or super active dogs as he aged. That’s not unusual. It happens a lot during social maturity and as dogs age in general, sometimes related to pain like arthritis. And then Covid hit and rescues didn’t need fosters. Plus I was offering puppy board and train during Covid. (This is not a service I am currently offering.)

But now, we’re back at it. For me, fostering is a way to honor Boo and Barbo in my grief journey, since that’s something we all did together. And, it’s a way to dip my toes into having unfamiliar dogs in the house again to see how that feels for me, which can also be good in my grief journey. And, it gives my husband, John, some much wanted dog time.

We just returned our sixth foster since Boo’s passing in April. Coincidentally, her name was April (our 60th! foster), a heartworm positive pup who was found abandoned in a home after her people moved out. After a month at the shelter, she was just cowering in the back of her kennel. She spent a week with us and we were able to provide lots of great information to help her get adopted!

Our 58th foster was Paris, who had also been at the county shelter for a month and was totally shut down there. She stayed with us for a little over a week and completely blossomed. She discovered her love of rolling in the grass, couches and cheddar cheese. When we dropped her off at the adoption event, she had 3 parties already lined up to meet her based on the bio and pictures and videos we had provided to the shelter. Honest bios and pictures are so essential for fosters to provide. Recently I wrote a post about how to be a successful foster family with this and other great tips on being a foster and helping your animals get adopted.

We also had Monica, foster #59, who had been at the shelter for over two months. She turned out to be an excellent trail and adventure buddy, which was great, because we’ve really missed hiking with a dog. We had a great day hiking, clocking over 6 miles with her!

I continue to participate in the Dakin Humane Society support group each month. It’s free and helpful to connect with others having a similar experience, because grief can feel so very lonely. I also continue to meet with Angela, my wonderful pet loss grief counselor for sessions and have referred many people to her. I suspect some of you reading this have also reached out to her. It is so important to have a really good support system and even though I’m a pet death doula myself, I need that extra professional support.

What’s not helping?

People have mostly stopped checking in or even talking about Boo. I think they think that mentioning her will remind me of her or make me sad, or something like that. But not mentioning her is the painful part. I don’t want her to be forgotten. And not mentioning her doesn’t make me somehow forget she’s gone. This is a common thing with grief sufferers, which is why having Angela and attending the support group have been helpful. It’s a place I can talk about her without people rolling their eyes thinking “you’re not over this yet?”

Fostering has been helpful but, in my post about being a successful foster I mention that because we are currently dogless, sometimes people will tease us with “foster fail” comments, which, at this time, honestly are hurtful because my heart just isn’t ready for a permanent dog. I know it’s coming from a place of concern, because people want to see us with another dog, but comments or joking about being a foster fail isn’t supportive to families that are fostering or people who are still grieving but want to do some good or share some time with a dog. Maybe some day we will foster fail, but that’s for us to decide.

If you know someone struggling with pet loss, please hear me loud and clear. Pressuring them to get another animal DOES NOT HELP. Well intentioned or not, asking questions about our timeline or trying to pressure us is the opposite of support and diminishes the relationship I had with Boo and your understanding of it.

Thanks for reading, if you’ve gotten this far. Remember, as part of my doula services, I’ve got this resource page, which I update regularly. I also have my free Advance Care Directive worksheet available for download to help prompt you to have conversations and think through some things, before your dog is sick or old. Thinking ahead and having conversations with your family before you’re in a heated emotional moment can really make a big difference and reduce stress or resentment or guilt later on. And I recently did a post on the benefits of At Home Euthanasia with a directory of local vets by different regions. If you’ve missed my previous grief posts:

• first post about Boo passing
• 2 month update
• 4 month update
• watch this memorial video of Life of Boo, with music composed by my husband, John.
• Video of BooBoo crossing the rainbow bridge (Lake Lure Rainbow Bridge, recently destroyed in Hurricane Helene floods)

If you are preparing for the loss of your own dog, remember I offer my doula services here. And of course I’m here for any of your training needs or you can book my special consult if you’re considering behavioral euthanasia.

Give your pups some extra treats from me and BooBoo, for free…don’t make them work for it, in honor of her six month passing. If you record it, please share it with me! Free Treats In Honor Of BooBoo!

And thanks for still being here.