Navigating the loss of a beloved animal is never easy but it can be even harder when there are children in the family. Often the death of a pet is the first loss a child will experience and as an end-of-life death doula for animals, my strong belief is that the trusted adults in the child’s life needs to be a positive grief role model for the children.
Loving means we are opening ourselves to grief. Sharing our lives with animals means saying goodbye.
You can’t protect kids from death. At some point in life, everyone will encounter it. I try to help my parents see it’s better that they help their kids navigate it when the parents are there to help them through it, instead of hiding it from them. Here in the US, we live in this death phobic culture. Nobody likes to talk about death and it’s taboo but everyone, including children, at some point will have to face death and grieving.
Children need to grieve too and often the family pet has been present for the child’s entire life so it’s like losing a sibling, in many cases. Nobody likes to talk about death or think about the death of those we love, human, dog, gerbil, rabbit, horse or anyone. I know most parents try to guard their kids from sadness but the death of a family pet is an opportunity for parents to model that it’s OK to be sad, to cry and to honor our loved ones. To just try to remove kids from all of that in an attempt to shield them for sadness not only won’t work but it’s really a missed opportunity for kids to learn that it’s OK to be sad, to feel loss and to be open about their feelings.
Crying or showing deep emotion in front of kids teaches them that adults get sad too, and that it is perfectly normal and okay to cry or have big feelings. There may be anger, confusion, guilt or other emotions at play but I encourage parents to share their grief – to be good grief role models – and talk about their own feelings and how much they miss their animal. And this really helps foster an environment of trust and that the child can be open with their parents about their feelings or thoughts.
Parents also need to be sure to be honest and answer questions that kids may have. If the trusted adults don’t answer the child’s questions, they will seek out those answers elsewhere, like on the playground or from friends, and what they find out may not be accurate or align with your belief systems. Adults need to be honest with the kids about what’s happening and avoiding using euphemisms like “Buddy is going to get some special medicine” because then what happens when that kid gets sick and their own doctor says “we’re going to give you special medicine?” Children can also take things very literally so saying Buddy is being “put to sleep” could conjure up thoughts that sleep is permanent and instill fear of them sleeping.
And be sure to not lie to them in some attempt to not have to explain death is permanent. Avoid coming up with stories like the animal ran away or went to a farm. This could set up an expectation the animal will return at some point or the child can visit. Or it could make their young imaginations run wild with worst case scenarios, worrying that if the dog ran away that maybe it’s hungry, cold, lonely or being hurt. These thoughts could be more distressing to the child and they may not voice them.
Plus, it’s just not good practice to lie to kids.
So, what can we do?
Involving them, being transparent about things and empowering them to decide if they want to take part in memorials or even the actual euthanasia is very important. Involving kids in this process, which takes some planning and conversations, can be a really important moment in their lives.
Planning an at-home euthanasia gives children the option to be present. They can always remove themselves (and should never be forced to witness it if they don’t want to) but the option to be present is there. Some kids might peek out into the yard from a window or maybe they will sit on the stairs around the corner from the living room where the animal is being euthanized because they are curious but don’t want to be right there. Doing at home euthanasia increases the child’s choice and control in that situation where doing an in-office euthanasia requires the child to commit whether they want to be there or not. Children may be conflicted on whether to be present or not and could miss the opportunity if they initially opt out and stay home or be uncomfortable once they arrived at the vet’s office, resulting in one of the adults also now needing to miss being with the animal at the end, because now they need to sit in the waiting room with the child.
Help them find ways to memorialize their beloved friend. This may mean writing a letter to them, which gets cremated or buried with the animal. It may be doing fur clippings or nose prints. It may be getting them a special piece of jewelry that has a picture or some of the pet’s ashes in it, so the animal can be with them that way. Maybe they want to draw a picture or put together a photo album. Some might opt to do toy or food drive for a local rescue in memory of their pet. Or maybe planting some flowers or a tree, or painting rocks to put in the yard where the animal liked to hang out. There’s lots of idea but talking to the child about how they might like to honor the pet is the only way to know. If the pet is able, doing a short bucket list at the end of life and allowing the child to come up with some ideas, like getting the animal some ice cream or other special food.
To summarize what to do and not do:
- Be a good grief role model.
- Don’t over-protect the child from grief.
- Be honest.
- Answer their questions.
- Show your own emotion and sadness.
- Avoid euphemisms.
- Involve them in the euthanasia if they want to be present.
- Help them find ways to memorialize their beloved friend.
- Let them be involved in the animal’s bucket list.
I have some additional grief resources here, including some book suggestions on helping kids navigate grief.
I can help you navigate grief and end-of-life, whether you have kids or not, through my doula services. You can schedule a session here!
